Doug McGarr
Facilities Manager

My journey with NLP started at my appraisal last year. My line manager and I had identified the need for some training in assertiveness. Although I was confident in my role and communicating with my teams, my self confidence was low and I had difficulty expressing myself and offering my opinion, especially in formal meetings……….

I searched on line for assertiveness training but nothing really stood out. Luckily for me, my line manager had worked with Florence on a number of occasions and suggested that I attend the Personal Effectiveness at Work course. (Whilst this course is not solely NLP based, it is accredited by ANLP for the NLP content.) She spoke very highly of Florence and the difference the learning had made to her.
So, it was with some apprehension, and (I must admit!) scepticism, that I drove down through very heavy rain and strong winds to the training venue at Ullswater. The question I was asking myself was “how is Florence going to make me more assertive?”

The venue for the course is beautiful (despite the weather!). The welcome I received and the atmosphere for learning that Florence provides is like nothing I had experienced before and I was put at ease straight away.

After introductions, the first exercise was looking at the Johari window – what we know and don’t know about ourselves and what others know and don’t know about us – then on flip chart paper, we wrote about ourselves and then compared our findings. As I looked at the other delegates work it dawned on me that I had hardly written anything. My hidden areas and unknown potential were dominating who I am. This was the first of many revelations that came to me throughout the course. I was a turtle – withdrawn, a closed book, bogged down by limiting beliefs.

With the support from Florence and feedback from the other delegates, by the end of day three, I had the pre-supposition “I have all the resources I need” firmly in my head. Florence wasn’t going to make me more assertive……. but was facilitating my learning and providing me with the tools to unlock the assertiveness that was within me……my journey had well and truly started !

The day after the course I had been invited to attend an in house performance management workshop which would be attended by managers and senior managers. This is the sort of environment that would normally see me retreat into turtle mode! With the usual limiting beliefs kicking in – no one wants to hear what you have to say – I mustn’t say that, they will think I am stupid etc etc.

This time I was determined that it was going to be different. I visualised how it was going to feel to contribute more and offer my opinion and how good it would feel to be the one who confidently offered to present the group work feedback to the rest of the workshop. I hit the ground running and answered the first question that was offered for discussion. My strength grew and it felt great!
Several colleagues’ fed back that they had enjoyed seeing a change in me and that they wanted to see more of it….fantastic.

I drove home really pleased with the positive changes I had made and reflected on the positive feedback rather than driving home frustrated again because I hadn’t spoken up and made a contribution like I knew I was capable of.
Positive feedback from my line manager and colleagues continued which was really encouraging and when part two of the course came around, I couldn’t wait!

Being back in the environment that Florence provides is a special place which makes learning and sharing your experiences so easy. The first exercise on day four was to draw a picture of our journey from the start of the course until now, (Florence explained the link between symbols and the unconscious mind). I was the first to share my picture although I started by apologising for not being good at drawing! (Still need some work on those limiting beliefs?)
My drawing was of me with a padlock on my mouth and a closed book – moving on to a light bulb surrounded by a big smiley face representing Florence and the other delegates – moving on to another picture of me with the padlock off and an open book…….how my perceptions of myself have changed!

A key feature of the course is giving and receiving feedback from Florence and the other delegates and again, this was something that I found much easier on day five than I had on day 1
The feedback I received was wonderful to hear and giving feedback to others was really enjoyable….. and this is another piece of learning that I will continue

This course has changed my entire way of thinking and I will carry on my NLP journey, continuing to learn, grow and eventually be able to coach and mentor others, especially those with limiting beliefs
I have all the resources I need

Find out how you can support the work of the fabulous Eden Valley Hospice and Jigsaw Children’s Hospice by clicking on their website:
http://www.edenvalleyhospice.org/

Kenny Weiss
Certified Life Coach
Coaching To Clarity

What are you struggling with today? For me, it is in writing this article. The pieces aren’t fitting just yet. What would you do in a situation like this?

I find myself asking questions like:

“What’s the use?”
“This really isn’t that great of a topic now that I think about it?”

I’m picking up steam now,

“forget it, maybe I should just try a different one?”

Hmm, that feels a little better.

“You know how this works, you’re thinking too hard just go off and it will come to you”

“Yeah, actually that’s a great idea! I will just drop this and see what new ideas come up throughout the day and start again tomorrow?

Now I’m laughing. There it is again!

That exact dialogue is just what went through my mind. I was sitting here knowing I wanted to write an article about how the questions we ask ourselves sabotages our ability to have the life we want but all I could muster was one paragraph.

As you read my thoughts you witnessed firsthand two of the three stages of “fight, flight or freeze.”

Stage one happened when I “froze” because my brain could only generate one paragraph. I froze because I knew the only way this could be written was if I exposed my inadequacies and I sure as hell didn’t want you to see that.

In response to freezing, instinctively, like a child at bedtime, I became sweet and perfectly manipulative so I could stay up and play. I seduced myself with the thought that if I just dropped it, the “Gods” of writing would shower me with divine inspiration. That is stage two, create a fantasy so seductive that it further masks the true reality, I was feeling inadequate.

Luckily for me I leaned back and right there above my desk I began to laugh as my eyes found the sign I have taped on the wall which reads,

“If I don’t want to do something it means I need to do it.”

That sign was born out of a lifetime of moments like this and it is to remind me of three important things.
One, that if I feel the urge to flee it means I am afraid and the sign serves as a reminder of the first defence against my fear, get grounded and get back into the reality of what is truly going on.

Getting back into reality allows me to see point number two. ANY AND ALL fear is born from a feeling of inadequacy, start looking for it now! In this case, I was afraid to expose what happens to me, I did not want to risk being vulnerable because the image I want you to see of me can’t include that!

Finally, after years of running from that fear of being inadequate my unconscious response is to create a fantasy to divert me away so I don’t have to face it. Being in reality helps me see that.

There is a time and place for distance and perspective when writing but that time is never when you are looking for an excuse to ignore what needs to be said.

The day I made the choice to stop running and lean into my fears, one of the first things I recognized was that these negative rhetorical questions had to be changed. There wasn’t any option or any grey area. They had to be confronted continually, immediately and at all costs.
Throughout my personal life, my time as a professional athlete and in my time as a coach, the single most common way I see fear expressed is through these negative rhetorical freezing type questions and the resulting fantasy flight like answers.

These type of questions are so prevalent that most of us don’t even register them. They are powerful, subtle and so so seductive. So seductive that they have become as automatic and unconscious as breathing. Unlike breathing, they are killing us.

Think of what could have happened had I given into those insidious questions. I’m pretty proud of this article. In fact, I am really proud of it. I always feel better when I am transparent and authentic. Had I gone back to allowing fear to lie to me I would have never had this moment, this… gift!

In part two (which will feature in the next Personal Effects) I will discuss just what questions I asked to get things turned around.
In the meantime, pay attention to your questions, your feelings as you ask yourself those questions and notice how you want to respond to them. See what patterns you have created to avoid your fears (another word for feeling inadequate) and in the process, avoid the gift that comes when you lean into those fears and inadequacies!

Contact Kenny on: [email protected]